I tried to find my identity but I often felt like an orphan. But what could I do? Who was strong, unbreakable and cool? Struggling with my identity I dived into drugs. The urge for rebellion and independence started growing inside of me. In my 20’s I continued as a hairdresser with performance and perfection. I did all the extras, went to shows and did a perfect job, seeking love and acceptance. I worked more than 50 hours a week and went to clubs on weekends. This lifestyle looked colourful and great but over time it destroyed me. I couldn’t go on any longer, sometimes I couldn’t get up but I kept pushing on. In relationships with men, I longed for love deep in my heart, but cheating, hatred of women and rejection were what I experienced. My heart became stubborn and so did my attitude.
I studied personal coaching and other stuff in an attempt to help myself. Trying to find all the answers in spirituality, psychology and various other things – but god didn’t come to my mind. There was a lot of confusion and manipulation in my mind and emotions. At work, I started to rebel, had panic attacks and was abruptly fired. I was devastated and as a result, my marijuana addiction started and I plunged back into work and a relationship with a man. One day we ended the relationship dramatically and I flew to London alone, feeling broken, abandoned and lonely. In 2013 I met a woman who looked masculine, charismatic and beautiful. I was fascinated by her, it was as though she brought stability in my life. I felt loved like never before. In 2014 she proposed, it was like a dream come true! But I still had a deep desire for peace and I wanted to get rid of my problems. I heard something about Jesus and my resistance to him didn’t last. I experienced God and felt the Holy Spirit and was baptized in 2016, 2 days before I married her. I went to the church and chased God and studied the Word. I saw miracles and God changed my heart and healed deep injuries – mentally and physically. Suddenly I woke up, I wanted children and still had something missing in our relationship. God revealed to me that I had a relationship with a woman, but she was a man for me. That was true. It was really a shock and I recognized all of my confusion and agreement with feelings and thoughts, but I didn’t want it to be true so I suppressed the truth.
Finally, I just couldn’t stand it any longer, only God knows how much I loved her and how much I wanted it to work, but we were living apart. I spoke the truth regarding where we stood and that it shouldn’t go on like this … immediately by God’s grace, there was a supernatural glory and peace upon us! We experienced strength and comfort at that time, that I never knew. We overcame pain and grief and God was so faithful and loving. The love I felt convicted me of my personal sin. By God’s Grace and his family (the Church) I am freed from pornography, freed from marijuana, freed from the pressure to perform/ hatred for weakness, freed from manipulation, freed from hatred for men and freed from all the lies about myself. The truth set me free and God never left me alone. He deals with my heart, convicts me of inner pride and stubbornness and releases love, forgiveness and my true identity as a woman of God. I am a new creation today and I praise the Lord. I love life and want God’s plan for my life because he saved me and I know there is purpose.