Simon Freelove

From the beginning of time when God created the heavens and the earth, to the creation of the angels and mankind. The number one issue has always been the issue of the heart. From the fall of Lucifer and the Angelica who stayed loyal to God, to fall of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. To the murder of righteous Abel by the hand of Cain, and Enoch the man who walked with God to the days of Noah when Gods heart was filled with pain. From the tower of Babel, right through to the patriarchs, law, kingdom years and return from captivity, again what has determined the destiny of individuals and nations is by what has captured the heart. Right throughout the gospels from Christ’s birth, death and resurrection. Through to Pentecost, Book of Acts, and the epistles of Paul to John the Revelator and this present age. The number one issue that will determine the destiny of individuals and nations will be decided by, what has captured your heart.

In 2012 I had a supernatural encounter with Christ during a dream, where he spoke to me direct, which I will never forget. Following this experience, a month later during a Thursday night mid week meeting hosted by Maldwyn Holland. I wept continually in repentance and renunciation after many years of being a practising homosexual. I am a Valleys boy from South Wales and was born in Tredegar hospital in 1971 which was opposite the local woods, for the first few months of my parents marriage, they lived with my grandparents in their front room. Later on my parent’s bought a house in a small village called Victoria or Glan Ebbw Terrace, which is part of a bigger village on the mountainside called Waunlwyd. Our street of seventeen houses was right at the bottom the valley and was adjacent to the South Gate entrance of Ebbw Vale steel works. My parents and grandparents were both christians although in my very early years, my father was backslidden. So my early years consisted of going to church, seeing my cousins, aunties and uncles from time to time, and frequent weekend sleepovers at my Nana and Bampi’s (grandpa) and of course going to Waunlwyd school on the mountainside. From an early age I attended the Apostolic Church in Ebbw Vale and the highlight of every year in August was the Apostolic international Convention in Penygroes West Wales. This event would last a week and we would stay in caravans on the camp site, and without fail I would always aggravate my second cousin Tracey during the first weekend, which would always attract a good couple of smacks off my Dad. During these years a desire and love for God, grew in my heart. I always remember sleeping over at my grandparents and looking at the broad and narrow way poster, while tucked up in bed in my auntie Mary’s bedroom. The poster always frightened me death particularly the broad road leading to hell. At this age I was very tongue tied and would describe my self as sensitive, aggravating, easy led, arty, a deep thinker, and a rascal, I was a mammy’s boy and closer to my mum than my Dad. In the street where I lived there were a lot older boys and younger boys along with some girls, because of our christian faith and me being tongue tied I was often bullied and paired off with the younger boys to fight resulting in me having bloody noses. Despite this, these years were happy years Saturday’s consisted of watching Batman and Robin, cartoons, Tiswas, Swap shop and Doctor Who, also in the summer time the older boys would make gambos, zip lines, and cabin dens. Also in the week day in the late seventies Grange Hill was a favourite kids programme which I loved (based on a comprehensive school in London) and of course watching planet of the apes every Christmas was a must for me. Both my parents, grandparents and grandpa had a Godly influence on me but not forced, (my Grandpa and I had a close relationship). I would often listen to my Bampi recounting his war years in North Africa and recounting the time when Jesus spoke to him direct. My Bampi ! would say to me, he spoke to me, like I’m speaking to you now, and I would say what did he say? My Bampi would reply ! What have I saved you from ? Swearing ! What else ? Lying ! and the list went on. Then finally the Lord said to him what is that in your hand ? In my Bampi’s hand was a cigarette, and he said sorry Lord. On another occasion I said to my mother what is God’s voice like when he speaks to you?  My mother replied his voice is like a voice speaking in your heart. One night after the Blaenau Gwent Crusade in the Beaufort ball, both my sister and I got saved at home, my sister gave her life to Christ in the kitchen being led in a prayer by my Mother. Whilst my Father led me to the the Lord in the living room. At this time I was very zealous for the Lord I would debate evolution with the boys and girls in the street, and went on to upset the local hairdresser who was a Church goer, by saying just because you go to Church it doesn’t make you a Christian. She in turn nearly sliced into my ear, also I remember correcting a school teacher Mrs Hunt, by showing her that in the bible it says if you hate your brother you’re a murderer. These were great years and I admired many spiritual giant’s from christian comics such as David Wilkerson, Nicky Cruz, Corrie ten Boom, C T Studd and many others, also I had a great interest in the prophetic and End Times.   

“Looking back I can see the boy’s predatory look and invite…”

In the course of time whilst playing on the green at the back of the street, which was known as the tip, an older lad who lived in the same street invited me to come with him and some other boys who were also young, to the nearby granary and stables adjacent to the steelworks. Looking back I can see the boy’s predatory look and invite, but at the time thought nothing of it. So I went along and then, things were suggested that resulted in kissing, nakedness, masturbation and other things even to the extent of enacting full sex. This carried on over the weeks, for a short period of time and on the last occasion another older lad tagged along and didn’t get involved. He said to me as we were leaving the place Simon if you do that it means you are a bummer. Shortly ! after this, the whole thing was brought into the light, at the back of the street by the other guy who tagged along. This was done in front of the predator’s mother and my mother along with some of the kids from the street (minus the full details). I denied it along with the others, but a boy from the other village gave me the look that he didn’t believe me. The result of all this, was my dad got informed and I stood before him while he sat in his arm chair and questioned me, each time denying it to his face several times. Looking back I wish I had told the truth, but was afraid of what my dad would do. This happened around the age of eight and carried on and off, with only the older guy, till the time I went to comprehensive school. Sometimes this guy would go after me and other times it would be the other way round, my sexuality was awoken and I would notice guys and girls. I hid this dark secret well ! and acted normal, but there were times when I felt so dirty and over come by shame, I felt convicted, guilt ridden fearful of hell and God. Words cannot articulate what all this baggage felt like, torment, depression, oppression, fear, also the thought of, if only I had been abused, then it could be brought out in the open. There was always the fear of what my dad would do if he found out, as a consequence of all this I found it hard to fit in and connect with others, and to a degree self rejection and the rejection of others was my portion along with a grinning face. During this time frame I had my first epileptic fit in school assembly after failing a proficiency bike test, and was in hospital for a week with no ill effects (my bampi was also epileptic). As my junior years were coming to an end the excitement of going to comprehensive was looming, it was at this time during the my early comp years that there was a move of God in Ebbw Vale  Apostolic Church. The move of God consisted of after Church meetings lasting till twelve at night, dancing in the Spirit, the baptism of the Spirit and more young people receiving spiritual gifts along with going to every church’s mid week meeting in the whole district and whole lot of other things. Whilst this move of God was going on I confided my dark secret to young man named Ian Morris who was in his mid teens. Ian became a good friend he prophesied over me and said Satan had a grip on my life but that I was forgiven then God started to move on me. Ian and I would have bible studies down his parents house along with some other teenagers, which greatly edified me. At this time I desired to be baptised in the Holy Spirit, Ian prayed for me and I spoke a tongue that was Amanda!  Amanda! Of course this was not the real deal I frequently spoke out the tongue in meetings. My Dad, Uncle and Sister knew I wasn’t baptised in the Spirit, but didn’t have the heart to tell me. However one night in an after Church service, I sought God myself ! for a refilling so I thought: with my head bowed down on the pew. All of the sudden ! I was aware of the Spirit descending upon me with unknown tongues, which I shouted out at the top of my voice. After ! my dad came up to me and said, now you are baptised in the Holy Spirit. During this time I had a stronger hunger for God and would read the bible in open public worship on a Sunday morning in my local Church, I also learned to pray by praying publicly. Moreover by Grandmother introduced me to the Every Day With Jesus devotional written by Selwyn Hughs, an aid which I still use. These were good years along with my interest in music and enjoying rock bands such as U2, the alarm,Cliff Richard, Sheila Walsh, George Michael and many others.

“It was then in 1997 that I went to my gay first gay club,”

Forward a few years into senior comp ,my old abusive relationship with this lad started up again and carried on and off in a similar way as before, again overcome with guilt and shame I confided to a Teacher who knew the Lord. That teacher kept my secret  and helped me best as they could. Years later the teacher said that they were concerned for me and what the headteacher would do, in pulling me out of class and that’s why they didn’t report it. In due course I left school got a job on a Youth Training Scheme for thirty pound a week and carried on going to Church while the abusive relationship carried on and off. Every year in my late teens we used to go to a youth camp in the last week of July and then to the Penygroes International Convention the week after. It was at one such Youth Camp that pastor Les Issac’s taught on sex and sexuality, which got my attention. Over the course of the week God moved on me I opened up a bit to the pastor. After the camp during convention week I opened up and told my dark secret to a pastors son who in turn took me to pastor Les Issac’s. He listened and prayed for me and in turn got my father involved and the three of us had a meeting in the Caravan on the campsite, the whole thing was brought into the light, and my dad was good about it. Later on the neighbour was confronted in a proper way by my Dad with myself present.  Although this had been brought into the light it was not public knowledge and I was tormented with guilt and thought the local pastor should know for me to be disciplined by the local Church (I told him later). I even brought my case to both of my uncle’s and wanted to be punished to some how atone for my part in the whole thing (they chose grace). After this I moved to West Wales went to Bible school and was part of the local Church in Penygroes. I started preaching and doing street evangelism among other things and was engaged to a young woman in Wakefield. However this relationship ended because we both wanted marriage at different times. As time went on I got a job in a local butchers shop in Carmarthen, with my own place. But after a year and a half I went to work nights for a Christian who owned a bakery. This lasted for a while but didn’t work out because we both clashed and six nights a week was hard going, in turn discouragement set in at the thought of what people thought in the local church about my job not working out with this Christian baker. During this time I was in my twenties and decided to go back into the Meat Trade working for various companies, and in 1996 Israel was my Holiday destination. Whilst in Israel and even before! thoughts about that I was really gay dogged me and over time wore me down. The thought came to me, perhaps happiness and relationship could be found pursuing men. So at the end of 1996 I looked on free ads in the gay dating section, although a guy replied and we met, nothing happened or came of it. It was then in 1997 that I went to my gay first gay club, which was called Club X it was quite an experience the lights, checkered steel floor, along with smoke and dancing men, who at the time I thought were sniffing cocaine (it was poppers). After being up all night on that Friday work loomed the following day, so with gritted teeth the day passed, so after work it was home to bed to catch up on some much needed sleep. The following evening the questions came as to my whereabouts on Friday night, my Father thought I had been with ladies of the night. However the truth came out of me with the help of a young married man called Mark Bennett who knew of my struggle. At this point I left the Church (but also fellowshipped at Corner stone Church in Swansea), and frequented the Gay scene in Swansea, which in turn ended up with me living there. As time went on my flat caught fire and was robbed. One night in the Palace night Club a local couple Martin and Mike asked me if I wanted to live with them. So my answer was yes and the right boot of fellowship was almost excised except for me leaving Cornerstone Church altogether. Martin and Mike lived upstairs whilst the room downstairs was mine, whilst living with these guys I would hook up with guys from the clubs as before, but something was a miss, I wanted a relationship. But none of the guys were really into that although many had open relationships, this discouraged me along with the knowledge that Martin and Mike weren’t a couple but had broken up after nine years. Martin would go to Cardiff on the weekends and stay with friend’s while Mike stayed on the Swansea scene. In all of my searching I was looking for love and intimacy I desired a companion a lover, also in my teens I strongly desired an agape male friendship in all Godly purity, like David and Johnathan. Furthermore I desired to be mentored by a Spiritual Father who would lead my to the deeper things of Christ, I was thirsty with deep spiritual and emotional needs. All I ever wanted was a friend who would except me even my flaws. In fact a man in his fifties who was once married but was now living with a man told me this. Simon if any man tells you that he loves you don’t believe it ! It’s all just a bit of fun! Furthermore there’s a quote from the queer as folk Album in the opening song that sums up the whole gay lifestyle pretty well. There’s always some new bloke!  Some better bloke!

“One night whilst asleep a mighty deliverance took place in my sleep”

In 1999 the whole gay relationship thing got me down and left me frustrated and disillusioned, and once again I started popping my head into Church in Swansea Elim. Over time Irish Jim and John Gorman reached out to me, which in turn led me back to the Lord resulting in me leaving Swansea and going on the Teen Challenge programme in London (which was set up via my Dad and John Macey). So in April 1999 London was my destination where for fourteen months I was a Teen Challenge student. During this time the Lord met me at different times, through the ministry of Javier Lesta Candal, Mark Rodgers along with the connection of Struthers Pentecostal Church. Over the course of time Javier said to me that if I could overcome striving and resentment that would be a major victory for me. One night whilst asleep a mighty deliverance took place in my sleep, for weeks I had been reading Christ the Deliverer by Hugh Black (founder of Struthers Pentecostal). All of the sudden the walls in my bedroom turned to ice and a demon went through my foot and torso and through my mouth with a loud scream. At that moment my eyes opened, there were nail marks in the palms of my hands, bleeding gums and great peace in my heart. After these things I spent some time in Keighley Teen Challenge, as a phase four student. It was at this time that a black prophetess named Sybil from Bradford, prophesied two words over me, on different occasions. The second word was a warning, she said the Lord needed me to be strong, and that two separate paths were before me, of purity or impurity. She shouted out you must Choose! Then went on to say that Lord wanted to take me deeper. After three months in Keighley I returned to Wilkerson House in London and graduated the Teen Challenge programme in Swansea Elim. Things were great for a while ! but discouragement set in after sort of dating a girl in Ilford, and it not working out (I fell for her big time). Being dumped by her hurt me deeply, on refection there was a lot of immaturity in me in respect to dating and people, this in turn was a path way to my old life. It was in November 2001 that I hit the gay scene hard in London often frequenting G A Y, HEAVEN and COMPTONS on a Saturday night, many times I would hook up with guys in the clubs or at gay saunas. At this point I cared little for relationship and enjoyed my homosexuality but at the same time anger, heaviness and blackness was in my heart, on many occasions during hook ups blackness entered my heart. One night after hooking up with a guy in Romford something told me that the guy was into occult, at the time I thought that’s just my thoughts. As we journeyed to his home and went through the front door there was occult books every where on the guy’s living room floor, opened at various spells. After this in the course of time night terror attacks used to torment me frequently. On the first occasion the bedroom was visible but something had me pinned down with my arms stuck at the side. Each time this happened I would try to say the name of Jesus or the blood and could not! Because my mouth was held shut. My time in London came to an end in 2003 when one night I was caught selling drugs for the first and last time in heaven night club, which resulted  in an eighteen month custodial sentence. By the grace of God, six weeks was all I spent in WormWood Scrubs and the rest of my time was spent in the Verne in Weymouth being realised on tag in October of the same year.

“I was broken the whole thing was not a pleasant experience by any stretch of the imagination…”

 After West Wales, Newport was my next destination, where I found work with Douglas Willis Butchers and found a flat. During this time I had a few relationships and often went on Gaydar to hook up with guys, but at the same time was growing tried of the whole thing. Depression, anger, heaviness, lust, night terror attacks, even seeing a demon touching the side of my head in the living room whilst  asleep. With burning heat at the side of my head when I awoke was my lot. Even a young manager in his thirties from work laughed at me with my constant moaning, and said your not happy with life full stop ! During these years from 2006 to 2012 I would pop in to The Abundant Life Centre in Newport on and off. On the first occasion I was met by Pastor Maldwyn Holland who used to do many tent campaigns across Wales, as it turned out I had heard testify many years ago in the Penygroes convention (he had lived in a horse box). After this first meeting we kept bumping into one other in Tescos’ and on one occasion he bumped into me three times, each time I said I am sorry then saw him on the third occasion. As time went on my steely eyes and hard heart started to soften and all the time Maldwyn, Haydn Greenow and others were praying for me. The Lord had revealed too Maldwyn. That his hook was in my heart and that he would reel me in, and each time let me go. But on the third occasion he would reel me into the kingdom. In 2009 one Saturday afternoon I cried out to God for two hours and told him my regrets with tears, I watch unimagined Glory over and over, which is an eight minute clip of a mans journey into heaven (based on the near death experience of Ian McCormack). That night I still went to Gay Pride but came alone, it seemed meaningless. The following day during the early evening supernatural peace based through my body. Christs presence was standing right in front of me (I saw nothing), after this encounter it was time for bed. Again supernatural peace passed through my body and each time was stronger than the first, the power of God was with this peace. On the third occasion I almost had to ask God to stay his hand, but did not and passed out into a peaceful sleep. In August 2012 Bristol was the next stop: because of a new job. However the Lord kept me in Newport and during the month of September, thought’s came to me continually that I did not want the gay lifestyle anymore! During this month Christ spoke to me direct in a dream I was aware that in the dream that I was dreaming it was happening before my eyes. Christ was before me in his thirties without a beard and in disguise as it were (a year later I watched a video by Derek prince titled why God uses disguises when he appears) he was robbed in white standing on green grass. There was a white fence behind him, and the sky was black as night his face was turned to his right, and he did not look at me directly. We were not on buddy terms the whole conversation was like an interview, his face was not stern or smiley but a soberly peace, words cannot express his look. The Lord discussed different things with me, which resulted in me saying. What about this ? What about that ? What about the homosexuality ? What about the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit I couldn’t say it. He put his hand on my shoulder ! I said will you be willing to forgive me and he said yes! Then the Lord went on to tell me that I needed to read the psalms every day and that his servant king David was with him because them (I can’t explain what that means). At the end of this I was aware of the Lord ministering to countless people at the same time and I could have asked him any question. Suddenly! I sat upright in bed still dreaming this, but forgot the dream straight away. But was aware that something supernatural had happened. Upon waking it was straight to the bathroom then King Nebuchadnezzar came to mind, and his dream, which he couldn’t remember. Then in a flash it all came back, then at 4 AM I sent a friend request and message to Maldwyn Holland, we spoke that very evening via telephone. The following morning my heart was cut open and my body bent over on my butchers block. I was broken the whole thing was not a pleasant experience by any stretch of the imagination. A month later in October in the mid week meeting, which Mal Holland was taking. I opened my bible to the book of Corinthians and read about the immoral believer and realised that was me. Tear’s flowed down my face with continual weeping. Maldwyn ! said let it out Simon and led me in a prayer of repentance and renunciation of homosexuality. Then he said God has just revealed to me that he is writing the next chapter of your life

That was eight years ago to this day heaviness, anger, depression and night terrors have gone, instead peace is my lot, the first few years I struggled intensely with the same sex attraction and torment. It was a fight but Christ has set me free and has given break through after break through. However this is a journey and those feelings are waning! Step by step, in 2015 God gave me a Prophetic word through the Prophet David McDonald, the word went like this. Old things are gone! New beginnings! You have said to God that you don’t know who you are or what you are (I Paid attention at this point, for that was said between me and God in my flat). I see God putting an internal Sat nav so that you know you are part of the kingdom of God, I also see him giving you a new identity, also I see God bringing you out of a place of torment and lack once and for all. On another occasion the Pastor of the AOG in Newport prophesied over me saying, you are not returning to captivity and already have a new song in your heart. In the early years of me returning to the Lord I so doubted God’s love for me and constantly asked him to tell that he loved me. One evening in Victory Outreach during the Out Pouring a Korean woman laid hands on me and said God is telling me to hug you and that he loves you. The following day in Church, I said to the Lord quietly if that was you last night. Before the day is out, give me a written message from Pastor Mal or someone else saying that you love me. Not five minutes had passed when a woman in the church approached me with a slip of paper in her hand. That the Lord had told her to write on while at home before the service. Tears are in my eyes as I write these words, the message was this. The Lord gave me a vision for you ! Jesus was standing in front of you holding your hands. His arms wrapped right around you. And words Jesus spoke in vision was he loves you so much and wants you to know his love. True love ! That evening at Trinity Church in Malpas a women walked back and forth proclaiming unconditional love. Towards the end of the service I was knelt down at the front where Alan King was, in front of me a few feet away. He started too prophesy and toward the end of the utterance he shouted I love you! I love you! On another occasion when I struggled intensely, I said to God on a Saturday evening on my knees. I am afraid of falling and sinning again, giving a whole list of sins to God, which I was frightened of falling into. After this pray I got up and logged onto Facebook ,the news feed was bombarded with scriptures saying, Fear Not ! I started to listen to the dramatised version of the Left behind seres book four or five. As it was playing on U tube the angel Michael shouted out Fear Not ! Upon going to bed I started to read my nightly devotion and on top of the page were the words Fear Not ! The following evening the preacher in Trinity got up and began by shouting. Do not be afraid ! Fear not ! I have had my temptations and discouragements even with Church. However the Lord has been crafting me, maturing me, confronting wrong attitudes, Jealousy, resentment and harbouring offence. One verse that has stayed with me, and will do, throughout my life is Joshua c 24 v 15. Simon Freelove was never meant for the gay lifestyle nor is anyone else! It is a path that I would not like my nephews or anyone else to go down in. Even Chris Morris and Milo (who are both gay) have criticised the gay scene as inward looking and London Gay Pride as decadent. 

It is my strong desire to see many LGBT men and women saved, discipled properly and serving God. In heaven I want to see a great crowd of X LGBT men, women, young and old, snatched from the flames of hell. My God is a God who speaks, during these past eight years he has met many needs and has moved upon me with internal ecstasy and peace. Many times he has delivered me from the enemy of my Soul (the Devil) there is so much more I could say and will say in the future, but as I end my account may I pose a question. What has captured your heart? For me now it is Christ!

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Simon’s transformation